The Greatest NY Times Ever

The Onion should not go to print this week, because the Times has savagely thrashed it in the humor department today.

The NYPD should take notes, because the German police have an outstanding recruiting strategy:

A plastic surgeon in Cologne who says he was cheated out of payment for breast enlargements has given pictures of the women’s breasts to the police, in the hope that the photos will help trace them.

I wonder how many German police officers offered to investigate this heinous crime.

And if only that Amish teacher had a gun:

[...] banning guns from schools simply makes them a safe, target-rich environment for anyone who wants to kill children for whatever sick reason he may have.

The only thing funnier than picturing an Amish teacher with a gun? This:

It would be far better if laws banning guns from schools were repealed, and school employees with permits to carry firearms were allowed — even encouraged — to carry guns onto school property.

It’s scary to think some like-minded people might be in a classroom right now, teaching ABC’s. “Don’t worry kids, there won’t be another Columbine as long as I have my rifle on my desk.”

Some school teachers barely know the subjects they teach. Others allegedly rape their students.

Yes, now this psychopath wants to add a gun to this mix. But it seems to me like the Mennonites have it under control.

God Bless America.

Don’t let Junior Trick or Treat in Washington

Oh to be Michael Jackson. To molest children too drunk on Jesus Juice to know any better, then run off to the Middle East and start a new, Bankrupt Life.

It’s strange. Steadfastly traditional people tend to be most affected by their own policies. Priests, Amish, & Republicans all preach good ol’ fashioned tradition, and get caught in their own zippers.

See case one: Mark Foley. In ye Olden Daze, pages were parts of books and human toys for the Rich & Powerful. Not much has changed.

inre: to the effect on the Election, it’s a push for both sides. Republicans get Shit for Shit. It just smells different. They’ve gotten the National Intelligence Estimate out of sight, replaced by a gay alcoholic pedophile.

Dems drool, but have yet to make a significant statement. You may say, “Look at all the press conferences and public outrage.” I’ll refer you to their non existent Plan to keep incidents like this from happening.

Case two: It’s gotten too easy for a gun wielding kid touching madman in Lancaster County.

(Oh yes, I’m going there).

“[The gunman] told his wife he had molested young children decades ago and left a note saying he had ‘dreams of molesting again,’ state police Commissioner Jeffrey B. Miller said Tuesday.”

What better fallic image than a gun spraying bullets at little girls? I’m sure he really got off on that.
Lest you be skeptical of my commitment to this story, I’m going undercover.

OK, that’s not technically me, but you get the idea. I’m going to travel as a cloud, and dwell among these odd “Dutch” and learn why their little girls attract bullets.

Or maybe I can just take a look at the pompous seclusion of the Amish. Or maybe blame our gun control policy.

Be wary of any finger-pointers. They usually have their agendas scribbled on their foreheads.