Something smells in New Jersey

I thought I could deodorize the armpit of America, but I failed. Turns out New Jersey deserves every bit of its negative reputation. I’d seen enough smoke stacks by 1 p.m. to contemplate smashing my rental car into one of them.

Alas, I didn’t. And Jon Bon Jovi is still alive. Or at least able to perform and sing.

Mission: Unaccomplished.

But I swore I’d find a lesson in all of this, and I have. Took me a while, but alas: I’m a sick, depraved individual.

The common man’s interest in politics is a very practical. Will you take food off my plate or kill my family. No? Then I’ll elect you.

The political correspondent’s relationship to politics is that of a prostitute with an ugly but well-paying John. The correspondents hold their noses and sell themselves to their sources in the hopes of getting fed a steady dose of scoops so they don’t lose their jobs.

Then there’s me, who would flip to C-SPAN during Superbowl commercials.

I drove around New Jersey, livid that the radio didn’t tell me a fucking thing about Ohio, Maryland, Montana, Connecticut and Virginia.

I’m a member of a very volatile and apathetic breed of humans who see politics as the greatest sport of all time. We recognize a good politician’s strength, agility, stamina and balls. Big balls.

We don’t care much for the outcome - we want to see the bloodbath along the way. We watch poll numbers and pose bets in our minds. It amounts to a free circus of the highest order, where the worst and dimmest come out to represent the fools who elected them.

Like most sport fans, we don’t know all the players, but we know the ones that matter.

On Tuesday, I recognized the tortuous future that awaits me as a reporter (I’ll keep my fingers crossed if you do).

Those of you giving more than a shit about this blog might have noticed my sudden absence. It stemmed from a two-fold problem:

1) My mental muscles atrophied after my life almost ended in a flash of metal, booze, and rubber.

2) The swamp-water surrounding the elections became so thick with nonsense, my brain began pushing up against my skull. It demanded to leave, but I promised it not to blog about the mid-terms anymore, so it went back to thinking (I think?).

In any event, I’m willing to change the course. In fact, I never said I would stay the course.

Now that the elections have finally finished, I’m free to spew all manner of nonsense, and I will. Beware, the dragon is awake. More to come.

Boobs on the Tube: Campaign ads in the age of ignorance

Strap in Hog Suckers! We’re making the final turn into Election Day. By then, you’ll have threatened to gouge out your eyes at least 50 times after watching the same campaign ad 8 times in a 30 minute span.

But beware! The drone may not lead to a vote in your best interests. Let’s do a case study.

You probably noticed the same thing I did… Harold Ford Jr. looks a lot like Derek Jeter.

Harold Ford Jr. is a Democrat - not that you’d see that anywhere in the ad. (Good luck finding a fat D for Democrat on his webpage either).
Well, the good old voters below ol’ Mason-Dixon don’t need to know that! What’s wrong with not telling them your party affiliation? D for deception.

But uhhhh… Tennessee? Illegal immigration? Is there something I’m missing here?

Can anyone help me find some evidence of Tennessee’s infestation of illegal immigrants?

Hoho! Beware young grasshoppers. Someone smarter than me once said politics is the ability to control your environment. Yes, Democrat Harold Ford wants you to know he voted for every major immigration legislation Republicans could muster - including the 700 mile fence.

God dammit, of course Harold Ford Jr. did vote against establishing national food safety standards. Enjoy that spinach.

Or that he voted for the infamous bankruptcy bill.

His biggest financial contributors? Law firms and financial corporations.

I do not mean to pick on Ford Jr. I’m just trying to show how perilous it can be to pick candidates via Television.

But you have to love the “I fucked up and I’m sorry ads.” The following need no introduction.

And this one deserves an oscar…

Nothing tickles me harder than political damage control.

But don’t think attack ads are a new phenomena. No no, Kool Aid Chuggers. Make sure you’ve gone to the bathroom before you watch this one. It’ll cause some sort of mess in your pants…

That’d be Adlai Stevenson’s ad. Yeah, Ike and Bob (Eisenhower & Robert Taft). Remember that campaign? Back in ‘52? Really went all out on that attack, eh?

In some way, that ad tells me Ike and Bob kick it Brokeback Mountain style - short of saying “Ike and Bob fuck each other.”

Ignorance is bliss, so I’ll go have my brain erased…

The ‘Publicans Get a Favorable Curveball

Buried ears-deep in the toxic fallout of Mark Foley’s keyboard, the Republican Party needed an epic savior. They got two. One from the New York Yankees and the other care of a Korean dork. Yes, some light can be found in the death of a Major League Baseball player and a nuke blowing up underground.

Republicans finally have two major stories to overshadow the sloppy orgy polluting the front pages and editorials.

They’d be wise to use this time to get some good photo-ops and national security rhetoric out there. Time for a late-inning comeback…
Bombs away!

Double your pleasure, half the fun & Facebook politics

Hoho! Yes yes. This merits some thought. Adding a blog? What self-indulgence. I struggle with this Blog and can’t imagine how much duller a second would be.

Sometimes I jab a USB drive into my eye after I read a post the next morning (this one won’t be an exception… so if I have a red eye tomorrow, console me).

You may not have noticed, but I try to see if the micro is a reflection of the macro. I fail miserably 99.9% of the time, but even that has its appeals. A second blog won’t allow me that pleasure.

The idea reeks of a contrived attempt at convergence. My approach to a journalistic story for a blog would be mechanically different from one I’m sending to print. I’ll prove this to you on the orgy known as Election Night.

I do like suggestions of community blogs, and feel that would be much more productive on many levels. We’ll get the tools down, as well as some team work in. I also believe it has much more legitimacy (at face value anyway).

***

Some of my craft classmates saw me stroll in to class today with a massive envelope, MRI in block letters across the front. No worries, it’s only three degenerated disks in my thoracic spinal area. I half-jokingly told the doc it was from my workload in school.

***

On to the elections and the outstanding yet meaningless contribution technology has made to it. I’m talking about Facebook (again). They’ve added an “election pulse” option to all profiles, allowing you to list candidates you support.

All candidates have profiles on this social networking site, though I’m not sure if they are legitimately maintained by the candidates, PAC’s or run by Facebook.

The governator, Arnold Schwazenegger, seems to have a legit page. I’m only assuming because he doesn’t have the standard issue American flag as his profile picture. He’s also eating the competition alive, with a 33 point lead over the democratic challenger Phil Angelides. He’s eating him like a cake.

 

This controlled madness constitutes the highest level of political activism many of Facebook’s stoned, pimply users will undertake.

Which brings up the question of legitimacy. How many of these supporters are falling into the trap of youth-partisanship, and how many are genuinely informed on the issues and candidates?

More importantly, how many of these “supporters” will show up at the polls? If these voting patterns transfer over on election day, we might have a flood of democrats winning offices nationwide.

How other contested races are coming up in Facebook’s Election Pulse:

Bob Menendez (D-NJ) has a 12 point lead over Tom Kean Jr. (R).
Sherrod Brown’s lead over Mike Dewine (R-OH) jumped by 15 points in a single day, and is at 36 points.

Other important candidates losing according to the Election Pulse:

Rick Santorum (R-PA), Joe Leiberman (I-CT), Ken Blackwell (R-OH), Lincoln Chaffee (R-RI), and George Allen (R-VA).

If nothing else, maybe a social networking site like Facebook can spark some semblance of interest in politics among the bong-hitting, Halo-playing population that is my generation.

And maybe, just maybe, Kinky Friedman will be governor of Texas one day.

Don’t let Junior Trick or Treat in Washington

Oh to be Michael Jackson. To molest children too drunk on Jesus Juice to know any better, then run off to the Middle East and start a new, Bankrupt Life.

It’s strange. Steadfastly traditional people tend to be most affected by their own policies. Priests, Amish, & Republicans all preach good ol’ fashioned tradition, and get caught in their own zippers.

See case one: Mark Foley. In ye Olden Daze, pages were parts of books and human toys for the Rich & Powerful. Not much has changed.

inre: to the effect on the Election, it’s a push for both sides. Republicans get Shit for Shit. It just smells different. They’ve gotten the National Intelligence Estimate out of sight, replaced by a gay alcoholic pedophile.

Dems drool, but have yet to make a significant statement. You may say, “Look at all the press conferences and public outrage.” I’ll refer you to their non existent Plan to keep incidents like this from happening.

Case two: It’s gotten too easy for a gun wielding kid touching madman in Lancaster County.

(Oh yes, I’m going there).

“[The gunman] told his wife he had molested young children decades ago and left a note saying he had ‘dreams of molesting again,’ state police Commissioner Jeffrey B. Miller said Tuesday.”

What better fallic image than a gun spraying bullets at little girls? I’m sure he really got off on that.
Lest you be skeptical of my commitment to this story, I’m going undercover.

OK, that’s not technically me, but you get the idea. I’m going to travel as a cloud, and dwell among these odd “Dutch” and learn why their little girls attract bullets.

Or maybe I can just take a look at the pompous seclusion of the Amish. Or maybe blame our gun control policy.

Be wary of any finger-pointers. They usually have their agendas scribbled on their foreheads.

A branch saws itself off

Sound the bells. It’s a solemn day. The legislative branch passed away. It only took 219 years.

***

The rain’s pounding outside, and we’re being drenched in the waste of a spineless legislature.

The detainee-treatment itself doesn’t bother me. I won’t lose sleep over torture. We’re a sick species and I accept that. I will sleep less because:

The measure would broaden the definition of enemy combatants [...] to include [...] anyone determined to be an enemy combatant under criteria defined by the president or secretary of defense.

When it comes to the “with us or against us” administration, I may fall on the wrong side of the “or.” And since I am sometimes “against us,” does that make me an enemy combatant?

See, “combatant” bothers me… don’t call me that. And don’t say I’m a sympathizer or supporter. How about “disillusioned citizen?” Does that title make me liable to indefinite detentions, questionable interrogation methods and fuck-all for the appellate system? Sounds like fun!

I’ll try to toe the “with or against” line a little better, I promise. Just don’t bag my head, and throw me naked into a pile with a bunch of other enemy combatants… Make it chocolate cakes. I’d like to be chucked, sans drawers into a big pile of chocolate cakes. I’ll tell you whatever you want. Just give me some cake.

Interrogator: What do you know about the terrorists nuclear capabilities?
Me: I don’t know shit…
I: We have some chocolate cake…
M: Well, they have them! They have, uhhh… was it nukes you just asked about? Yeah? Yeah, they have those. Plenty
I: They do! Where is it? Iran? It’s in Iran, right?
M Yeah. Sure, whatever. Do you have milk?

This Congress has run from Accountability and left the President an extraordinary amount of Power - well beyond what the executive branch deserves. Every Congressman and woman needs to pull their heads out of their asses; it’s not helping them smell their own shit.

I suggested the elimination of voting as a solution many of our problems. But in this case, let’s not bother having an election. If 90% of all incumbents get reelected, then we’re in for a two-year shitstorm of indecision and appeasement. Why bother?
Remember their quick-fix to the immigration problem is a giant fence. They fought to keep Terry Schiavo alive, but did less than shit to revive Louisiana and Mississippi post HK.

Maybe they tried to keep T. Schiavo alive because they empathized… they themselves have been in Persistent Vegetative State ever since 9/11.

***

Read this and you’ll appreciate Zeyad much more.

***

Bob Woodward, the venerated geriatric journalist wrote another meaningless book about something we have all safely assumed. What’s interesting is:

Woodward also reveals that President Nixon’s Secretary of State Henry Kissinger often meets with President Bush, advising him to stay the course in Iraq.

Nixon must be waiting for Bush with a Louisville Slugger somewhere at the entrance of the next life. Richard is probably already hamming it up with this Congress.

I’m calling the undertaker.

Someone get this man a tutor

[Disclaimer: I struggle to stay as apathetic as possible. But sometimes things force me to take sides.]

President Bush is illiterate. He has to be. There is no other way you can explain this.

Here is what I read:

The Iraq conflict has become the cause célèbre for jihadists, breeding a deep resentment of U.S. involvement in the Muslim world and cultivating supporters for the global jihadist movement.

Here is the Bushie’s take:

Mr. Bush used the news conference to reassert his view that the Iraq war was not to blame for the growth of Islamic radicalism.

Again, this is what I read:

Four underlying factors are fueling the spread of the jihadist movement: (1) entrenched grievances, such as corruption, injustice, and fear of Western domination, leading to anger, humiliation, and a sense of powerlessness; (2) the Iraq jihad; (3) the slow pace of real and sustained economic, social, and political reforms in many Muslim majority nations; and (4) pervasive anti-U.S. sentiment among most Muslims — all of which jihadists exploit.

And here’s the former Texas Rangers owner’s take:

“You know, to suggest that if we weren’t in Iraq we would see a rosier scenario, with fewer extremists joining the radical movement, requires us to ignore 20 years of experience.”

Something else I read:

Countering the spread of the jihadist movement will require coordinated multilateral efforts that go well beyond operations to capture or kill terrorist leaders.

Former Texas Governor’s interpretation:

“My judgment is: The only way to protect this country is to stay on the offense.”

He’s the president. He did get this document, right? At least someone must have told him about it? No? Can someone get a memo afloat in the White House, see if you can go over this with him? Maybe explain what the words on the page are saying? It seems kind of important. I’m confused.

He also attributed the disclosure of some of the assessment findings to [...] government officials leaking classified information to “create confusion in the minds of the American people” weeks before an important Congressional election.

No shit.

What do you get when you cross Chris Wallace, electronic voting machines and Republican proposals to require citizenship ID at the polls?

Today’s blog! (And the longest post title ever).

Bush’s promise to win the mid term elections wasn’t empty. Diebold, the same company that makes the OOO ATM (Out Of Order) has a strangle hold on the electronic voting machine industry. Now, a proposal by two dem Senators reimburses states for the paper ballots they use. It’s a simple enough measure that wipes the sweat off brows (and really, a token political move) and it’s DOA. Meanwhile, back at the beltway…

Not only do you need that passport (saleable to all major cartels and illegals) to get into Amsterdam for some good hash and hookers, but it may also be your key to the wonderful world of democracy. There, you can participate in things like… elections. Where, apparently some House members feel too many non-Americans show up at the polls. I have a simple solution to all of this mess.

End voting and set up a totalitarian dictatorship where our opinions can get us killed. Sure, it’s a bit messy… just like the current system. And it might agitate the delicate thread that binds all Americans together… just like the current system.

But if we don’t end voting then we can’t be truly free. Free of the election year bullshit and controversies that don’t really matter because most of the candidates are fucking imbeciles.

I’d give up my right to vote if it meant no more campaign ads replacing the smoking-hot beer chicks encouraging my budding alcoholism. Hey… that reminds me…

Bill Clinton. What happened to you Bill? You were so good to us! You lied and talked dirty to us. Made me wonder what if fat interns give better oral cause they have so much practice from eating.

You made me grow Bill! Made me wonder if I was bad enough to feel good. Why Bill? Why did you breakaway from your democratic peers by actually standing up to Fox News? Why?

Do you realize what you have done, Bill? Do you understand the sort of attention you’re getting now from the nimrods in front of every camera in the nation? I had eight whole years of dealing with you. Plus, I have another, more complex dunce in the White House, who gives oral to the Bible and possibly himself. Maybe his veep too - what happens in Texas stays in Texas… And now you come and point a finger and act slick. You had rebuttals for accusations and you refuse to drink the Kool Aid. Drink the Kool Aid, Bill! Drink it! It’s purple and Kool and full of aids. Wait… that came out wrong.

Chris Wallace was a nobody, and you went and made him a somebody. You perverse neanderthal! I hate you Bill Clinton.! I hate you. I hate you. I love you… you had me at… well… this:

So little to do, so much time

The lemmings in Congress rolled over for the pouting pussy-in-chief again.

The agreement says the executive branch is responsible for upholding the nations’ commitment to the Geneva Conventions, leaving it to the president to establish through executive rule any violations for the handling of terrorism suspects that fall short of a “grave breach.” Significantly, Senate aides said, those rules would have to be published in the Federal Register.

Bill Clinton had it shitty with Monica Lewinsky. Try all 535 members of Congress giving this President blow job that has lasted five years. Yes, the Democrats too, who allow this president to stomp on their balls and tell them they like it. (Some might say he’s been doing that to the entire nation too).

Bush, of course, loved every second of it, and almost came in his pants as he said:

“The agreement clears the way to do what the American people expect us to do: to capture terrorists, to detain terrorists, to question terrorists, and then to try them.”

Can a man with a 37% percent approval rating accurately judge what the American people expect?

My respect for John “The Gooks” McCain has gone back down to nada after he said this from beneath the President’s podium:

“There is no doubt that the integrity and the letter and the spirit of the Geneva Conventions have been preserved.”

Leaving decision to torture to a man who kinda wants to stands against Common Article 3 of the Convention. Remember, wholesale torture occurs in the hands of “infallible” men who had the nation’s “best interest” in mind. Kind of like Sadaam? Andrew Sullivan’s got some good shit on that.

But here’s what really puzzles me, or maybe will be corrected by the Times:

The senators agreed to a White House proposal to make the standard on interrogation treatment retroactive to 1997, so C.I.A. and military personnel could not be prosecuted for past treatment under standards the administration considers vague.

1997? That’s four years before this “War on Terror” even started! What the hell has the CIA been up to?

Phase 2 has begun in Operation “Fuck Rham Emmanuel: Manufacturing a Win in ‘06″

The disparity between the top 1% and the rest has grown, the middle class is increasingly finding it harder to walk after being forcibly sodomized by the rich, and this president calls out the dems.

“If they get control of the House of Representatives, they’ll raise your taxes, it will hurt our economy, and that’s why we’re not going to let them get control of the House of Representatives.”

Stop one second and look back at that… we’re not going to let them get control of the House of Representatives. President Bush tends to slip once in a while, and be honest.

So maybe he really won’t let the dems get control of the House. Maybe your vote doesn’t really matter? I’m not exactly sure what he’s trying to say, but it sounds to me like he’s got it covered.

Remember, attack ads accompanied this speech, linking Dems to their votes against Bush’s tax cuts. How did some respond?

Mr. Brown, in Ohio, responded to a Republican advertisement with his own attack posted on his Web site.

I understand the power of the Internet. It’s a great thing… but if an ad comes on saying “Rush Limbaugh fucks raccoons!” I’ll laugh. But I certainly fact-check the thing on his website.

I bet if I got close to a Democratic Congressperson, I’d smell a dirty diaper. These swine running the government want it more, it seems.

I’m stunned to learn that Noam Chomsky is still alive, after Venezuelan Presidente Hugo Chavez told me he’s dead. I’m sure a whole bunch of progressive, anti-right loonies let out a sigh of relief.

But I’d pay money to watch Chavez perform at the UN again. Seems worthwhile when an organization as stale and powerless as the UN get some charisma and un-PC rantin’ and ravin’. Viva la revolucion!

Heads, Tails… or Torso?

I’m always insulted by the existence of the two party system.  No issue facing the nation today is black and white, and there’s always more than two options.  Most rational people know that, as do most politicians.

But our national discourse is vaguely similar to this:

So some Republican governors fall left of center on some issues?  Well, to New Yorkers, this is no shock.  We’ve got the most liberal republicans in the entire nation running our city.

But I’ve tried to consider the possible benefits of having two parties run everything. Here’s what I’ve come up with, and please add to my list:

Better fundraising - take a bunch of people with a hundreds of different issues, and choose the side that most benefits corporate America, and you’ll enjoy a massive boost to your campaign funds.

Safety in numbers - want to get a proposal through to the House?  Well, if you’re lucky enough to be in the majority party, it’ll most likely get through to the floor, unless you propose national Child Molester Apperciation day.  Not a good career move.

Dumb Joe Voter down - Want to get voters to blindly accept your stance on issues they don’t understand just cause you’re a [insert party here]?  The sad part is many voters check off ballots along party line, often making choices that HURTS them in the long run.

Disagree?  Got any more you can add?  I DARE you to, SWINE!